Duff's (75) Grand Arrival In Full

The emotional arrival of Newcastle's latest financial black (& white) hole from our man at the scene, Harry Hotspur.

Literally hundreds of Incapacity Benefit claimants fought off the usual magnetism of Trisha and This Morning to join the long term unemployed in welcoming Damien Duff to St Jame's Park.

One life long supporter of three girlfriends, and nineteen children held back tears as well as an illegal fighting dog to say, ' I cannae believe it man, The canny lad is gonna trouser weekly what me an' the bairns gross annually of tha social like - fair fooks to 'im! '

Duff waved from the moral highground crying, ' I just want to be rolling in it again!''I've had problems for the last tree or four months because it didn't look as if I was gonna get paid enough.

''I couldn't go to Spurs, it's as simple as that, when I go for a paycheck, I put my heart and soul into it, and for the past tree years I have been a fan of Chelsea money. There was no way I could play against my old benefactors in a wage capped squad.'

Glenn Roeder made a brief statement, but to be frank it was like listening to a radio that wasn't tuned in properly, so we're unable to provide any quotes from him. Something about a finish in the last four of the Inter Coacoa Cup was 'well on the cards' now or similar.For the full story, contact Duff, Duff, & NotEnuff, Accountants To The Stars