Tottenham Hotspur - Interview With A Fan

WHEN HARRY MET SPOOKY

I was met at a prearranged venue at a prearranged time which was handy ~ otherwise we may well have missed each other.

He told me only that his name was Spooky and that this was an exclusive interview...

HH: What's the League Of Lillywhites?
SPOOKY: It’s a football firm, but not in the traditional sense. We don’t consist of Stone Island, Stanley knives and punch-ups. It’s all pixels, reply boxes and witty posts with colourful emoticons for that extra special touch See, the much-maligned Danny Dyer has shown us that football hooliganism in this country is far from naughty. Its dead. The authorities with the aid of modern day stadia and CCTV and over-policing have killed it. Also, fighting is just a tad too 1980’s IMO. I’m part of the ecstasy generation. Much prefer a hug. Best way to get our point across is to not rage against the machine but to try and convert the fans that have fallen for the dark ways that our chairman wishes upon us. The Internet is a powerful tool and with us being limited in the ‘real world’ with what we can do without police dogs biting our b*ll*cks off, we need to look at the information superhighway as a means of us doing the biting, and thus doing so by biting off the bollocks of knee-jerk reactionaries.

So, you’re an online firm? How does that work exactly? What’s your underlying ethos?
Well, it all came about as means of channelling my aggression through a more creative means as marches and demonstrations are no longer permitted in Gordon Browns England, much like in Blair’s Britain. Our main focus is to remain unequivocally committed to the club and its history, placing its importance above chairman, manager and players. In a nutshell, this means keeping an eye on Daniel Levy, purely through Internet connectivity, where restraining orders and electronic tags do not exist. I’ve had some ‘problems’ with the more traditional avenues of protest in the past, so I have to navigate around the obstacles of law to avoid further porridge. It’s really business as usual. I made myself known to the club via my ‘Dear Mr Levy’ letters that members of Glory-Glory.co.uk will be familiar with. Nothings changed. I continue to address the chairman via stern and insightful emails and letters. I just don’t camp outside his house anymore or piss on his rosebush. One of our other objectives is to stand our ground with club and opposing fan propaganda and to denounce any 'In the Know' charlatans and give them the humiliation they strongly deserve. Most people, especially those who spend time up trees outside the Lodge, are nothing more than Glory Hunters. They don’t have information to share. The simply use common sense and tabloid thought to come to their ill fated conclusions that, for example, Torres has had a medical at Spurs – which was last years wonderful piece of ‘inside information’ along with ‘Kuyt is on his way – Done and Dusted’. Not a single soul appeared to inform us that Berbatov was on his way. Funny that. Another main objective is to overcome the growing threat of the Levy financed black-ops propaganda puppet regime - 'The Agents of Levy'. Their principle aim is to disrupt the public perception of the supporters and use dirty trick tactics to undermine fan politics, leaving us to appear fickle, indecisive and contradictory. Thus giving the power back to the board. Levy has people who work for him, posting in message boards to help appease his agenda. So it’s all about retaining a balanced middle ground between delusions of grandeur and knee-jerk depression on various Spurs Internet message boards. Easy peasy.

Tell me about the Restraining Orders
It started off with the ‘Dear Mr Levy’ letters. Simple correspondence addressed to the chairman, detailing my grievances and opinions on the state of the club and the management. He would never personally respond to these letters, which forced me to take more direct action. I can’t visit the West Stand. I do not dare hide in the undergrowth in his front garden. And following him around Tesco’s disguised as a middle-aged single mum is also out of bounds. Seems a man is not allowed to wear fake boobs and a wig in public anymore. So what if I’m shopping for groceries 15 miles away from where I actually live. It’s a free bloody country isn’t it?

You mentioned ‘direct action’?
Guerrilla warfare. You know, stuff like frozen shit pellets being catapulted at his car, reconnaissance missions into his estate, burning my season ticket in protest on the final game of the season. I turned up dressed as Sir Henry Percy in full battle armour on the final home game of the 2007 season (http://www.dearmrlevy.com/2007/05/theres-only-one-daniel-levy.html) but was not allowed through the turnstiles until I stripped naked (with only a scarf covering my reproductive area). Further proof that Levy and his current regime are scared of fan power and the freedom of expression. They want you to turn up at a game. And not drink, be seated, and not to swear. What next? Spurs to play in a bland cardigan-styled home shirt? Jazz to be played at half-time over the Tannoy? Spurs fans taking their slippers to games? Where is the fan-power we see in Europe and South America? The colour and the noise is lacking, and Levy is part of the bully system that is replacing us – true bread and butter fans – with those types of ‘fans’ you see in Sky Sports adverts in their fancy cars all smiles and no kebab in sight. Sickens me.

So what's your real beef with Levy? Are Spurs not in a strong position, stronger than the past 15 years?
Let’s not wet our pants with pre-c*m just yet. We still haven’t won anything. Levy could do so much more than what he has achieved thus far. He seems content with us always missing out and nearly signing players. And players we do sign are brought in for their potential sell-on clause, though I’ll like to see who will take Jenas off our hands for £10M. If he forgot about champagne and caviar for a moment we might be able to aim higher. See, he knows Spurs fans are delusional and easily excitable and thus blinds us with quick-fix sexy news items to hide the fact that even though Arsenal were utter gash last season we didn’t get anywhere near them. We lost Carrick and simply didn’t recover or replace him. We struck gold with Berbatov, but already most fans believe he could be off next season. Does this sound like true progression? We take a step forward and then we take a step back. At the end of each season we know what we need next year, player wise, yet we opt for strange transfers and usually more central midfielders. There’s this sense of foreboding. Its like getting promoted at work, only to find out that the company is going into bankruptcy, but you carry on anyway, blissfully choosing to not care and to bask in the pay raise you got even though you will be out of a job in the near future. You can look like you are doing well when you throw so much sh*t at the wall. Some of it will end up sticking. Who’s gonna clean it up? Not the West Stand, be sure of that. Jol Out too?

Place aside the sound bites and the Tony Soprano look and you have a fat overweight Dutch man who was an average player. If he looked and spoke like Ian Dowie would you still rate him? Should he be doing better than he has done thus far? Why can’t we take a simple set piece? Why can’t we defend a simple set piece? We give away painfully simplistic goals and we cannot keep clean sheets. We are always forever sitting backing instead of attempting to dominate possession, usually just after we’ve scored. And why do we choke like a porn starlet taking an eight inch girth for the first time, all teary eyed and lost every time we go up against something big? I’ve outlined countless of times how we struggle with the basics. Surely if I can see this, the management should be able to see it and therefore sort it out. Jol has no excuses going into 2008. 4th spot has to be the aim.

The West Stand Ban - high or low point?
The bourgeoisie of the West Stand is the fundamental problem with Levy and the club. He aims to appease the Mercedes and Rolls Royce fans giving them half-time bagels to feast on while we eat horrid burgers and chips made of fibre-glass. I was banned for protesting naked, in the West Stand, if I remember correctly chaining myself at one of the turnstiles. The lack of clothes was symbolic of being stripped of dignity by the club due to their extortionate ticket prices and merchandise. They wanted sex offence charges brought against me. Wasn’t my fault the female police officer present at the scene was a cutie. The way she was holding that baton….damn. High point for sure.

Magic wand time. Suddenly you're Chairman of THFC. What's the plan?
Bagels for everyone for a start. I’ll also have a normal run of the mill common everyday fan on the board of directors as a representative. Make sure we buy a Graham Roberts, a Gazza and a Ginola. Rebuild White Hart Lane and make ticket prices for the West Stand the same as the East Stand and get rid of the ‘I have to leave 15 minutes early to beat the traffic’ mentality that exists at the moment. I mean, ffs, its 2 hours of your frigging day. If you’ve travelled form afar and made the effort to get there for kick-off then how about supporting the team till the final whistle rather than rushing off back to your 5 bedroom house in the country you posh piece of crap. I’ve seen the future and the future is the whole of the West Stand being made up of executive boxes. That will happen with Levy at the helm.

How do you get on with the stewards at WHL?
As founder of The War Against the Stewards (T.W.A.T.S.) our main struggle is to continue our fight to remain standing in the Park Lane during games. So I don’t get on with them too well. They also object against taking effigy’s and voodoo dolls into the stands. It’s like living in Victorian times the way they safeguard the terraces. Also there was this one incident where I throw a season ticket at the pitch (I think when Soton beat us which ended Hoddle's reign as manager). Managed to mis-judge my throw and it hit a steward. Wasn’t so much the season ticket landing on top of his head. More the fact that I had set it alight before I launched it up in the air. Have you ever seen someone’s glossed perm burn? It’s hypnotic.

Who would you sell/dispose of on a free tomorrow?
Mido for a start. I’m hearing Birmingham have gone back on the deal to sign him. That’s tragic that is. McDonalds should re-introduce The Hamburglar. Mido would fit in perfectly. They could take Ghaly as Ronald McDonald and we’ll be quids in. Jenas also, who for me is the poster boy of Daniel Levy. He is the quintessential Levy purchase. Cost loads, flatters to deceive. Doesn’t do anything other than score goals, and thus is seen as a decent player by the press. He’s in the England squad. Why? How? The lad is a paradox. Other deadweight to go is Paul Stalteri who managed to cost us Champs League football a couple of seasons back all on his own. He did score against the sorry lot from Upton Park, so I can almost forgive him for that.
Actually, no I cant. It was only f*cking West Ham United.

As you ignite your season ticket, do you see yourself as a quintessential Spurs fan?
I’m more than that. I’m akin to the Borg collective, looking to assimilate the masses into one voice and one united way of thinking. I’m the fan of the future, brought back in time to sort out the present so that the future can birth fans with true passion and desire, including myself, to which I can then travel back in time in the first place in order to preserve the time-line. It’s like Bruce Willis in 12 Monkeys, forever trapped in a paradox for the greater good. People just don’t understand why I do what I do, but it’s imperative I do it. Quintessential? No. I prefer genius.

Will your revolution be televised or will UEFA forbid you from being shown on the Jumbotrons?
People who read my blog and my letters to Levy will know that recently I’ve had, some disputes resulting in community service. There have been incidents. And consequences. This, as I discussed earlier, made me create The League. Face-to-face protests and demonstrations place me in a position where I could potentially find myself blacklisted. I can’t lose the right to burn my season ticket within the grounds of White Hart Lane. The pen is mightier than the sword. The keyboard is far more mightier when smacked across the head of the oppressor. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Spooky, thanks for your time.
It's cool. But if I find out you have associations with any directors or Levy himself, I’ll DOS attack you into the middle of next week. Cheers.